getting to know my voice

it hasn't been easy to keep up with writing this memoir because my office work has taken over.  my writing cycle has been inconsistent and i realize that if i just focus on office work and not find a way to balance everything out by continuing to get in touch with my writer's voice, i will lose it.  i am glad that i discovered another resonant voice today in katherine mansfield.  i hope i can discover her more and i hope i'll have enough time to discover more about writing and this journey to find my authentic voice.

speaking of voice, last night i spend almost the whole night in bed trying to drown out the demotivating thoughts of the office place.  verbal scrimmage with a manager has been disheartening.  i cannot engage with her in reason.  so i laid on my bed waiting for my muse to arrive but my mind was too locked up in this place it was hard to pry things open.  what is a good exercise in keeping the creative mind absorbent?  should i scratch some words on my journal everytime i hear about the news of her incessant complaints?  should i etch her name on a post it note and insert it in my prayer book hopefully to symbolize that i am lifting up alms for her troubled soul every minute of the day?

it's troublesome.  it's knock the wind of my chest.  and i need to learn how to counter this at all times because i know i will always face these things.  

anyway, so i was laying in bed and chatting with adrienne.  we had a lively chat about possibilities and visits.  i am almost determined to find my way to europe next year.  i am hungry for experience.  the writer in me feels too locked up.  

i listened to some music and tried to sing along to songs.  almost really making the journey of discovering my voice a real one.  i was literally trying to discover my voice.  on paper.  in sound.  and i sang some songs over and over and never really felt comfortable while i was at it.  i don't know my voice.  it's unfamiliar.  but someday i will.

getting to know soleil's voice

thinking about soleil's voice and how it must sound like.  certainly a lot deeper than mine.  but she captures the edginess of my thoughts without hesitation.  she's a voice that does not fear to admit the struggle.  a voice that perseveres against the pain.  she's a voice that is learning to understand the sound of hope and yet does not continue to discount the reality of despair.  

she comes out in my defense.  for i have long since kept this voice locked up.  and while i continue to seek for answers through a faithful reflection of the divine, i will only find the capacity for peace by writing the thoughts i would've wanted people to listen to if i had not been so afraid of the sound of this voice.  

it is fearsome because it is sharp and almost unloving.  clearly wounded and scarred.  but i wonder what journeys it will unearth from me through her sharply bent questions and thought provoking sighs.  i'll let her lead as i wait and let the curtain rise and fall.

much of the sound of soleil's voice comes from a phase in my life which is quite evident when i was in college.  an echo of it recurs when i went to graduate school.  but most of them has been subdued when i have started growing in my spiritual life which is the most ironic of it all.  it almost feels that i've regressed and yet i know i have deepened.  it's something that i continuously seek to understand.  this voice that feels so lost.  yet now it comes from an unknown pit mostly triggered by frustration and longing.  frustration from the slow progress of dreams.  longing for a certainty of pleasant change.

i try to come to terms with that side of me and find some integration between the psyches.  hopefully unearthing a fuller story and a fulfilling conclusion.