dialogues again

ever since the birth of this journey i have been battling with a lot of things that take up my time.  most of it goes to being part of a youth ministry that takes my week nights and my saturdays.  yesterday, i bravely decided to give up hanging out with them because i'm not able to listen to what is going on inside as i continue to pursue this story.  admittedly i felt sad because it felt like some kind of self-alienation which unearthed a lot of old familiar feelings of abandonment, insecurity, rejection.  i tried to brush it away by focusing my mind on reading.  it was a great struggle to unearth words in the middle of these desolate feelings but i kept on trying.  i did not get anywhere really and my draft of the second chunk for chapter one lies unfinished as i kept wading and sorting out how to deal with these feelings that kept gnawing at me all the way till 10pm at night until i decided to lay down and pick up my holy beads to ask for the grace of light that dispels darkness.  working my way through the Hail Marys got me in a lulled rhythm of sleep.

i sit on my desk again this morning and attempt a conversation.  a dialogue.  and i heard her saying, 

love?  what love?  am i loved?  how do i know?  

how do i know if i'm loved when i'm left all by myself dealing with the ugliness of churning emotions that ache to seep out of my skin.  to break through  millimeter of pores and bleed sweat.  when all around me are happy, dancing, drunken conversations that last till 4am and nobody notices how many pencils i have cracked because i'm trying to get the ugly impulse thats eating me alive every ticking minute.  i feel pathetic having to need compassion.  it's a sick wound i wear.  and its desperate for healing.  

these words have  been familiar to me for the past decade or so of my life.  i've encountered them in every phase of relationship, in every waning of dreams, in every dying of passion.  and for most of it, i've clung hard like a leech because i don't want to deal with it by myself.  well, it's time to stop running and now i've accepted the fact that i need to deal with this myself.  

so here's to the memories and the people that need my forgiveness, i'm working on it.